. . . I was thinking about the curse words and the swear words, the cuss
words and the words that you can't say, that you're not supposed to say
all the time, ['cause] words or people into words want to hear your words.
Some guys like to record your words and sell them back to you if they
can, (laughter) listen in on the telephone, write down what words you
say. A guy who used to be in Washington knew that his phone was
tapped, used to answer, Fuck Hoover, yes, go ahead. (laughter)
Okay, I was thinking one night about the words you couldn't say on
the public, ah, airwaves, um, the ones you definitely wouldn't say,
ever, [']cause I heard a lady say bitch one night on television, and
it was cool like she was talking about, you know, ah, well, the bitch
is the first one to notice that in the litter Johnie right (murmur)
Right. And, uh, bastard you can say, and hell and damn so I have to
figure out which ones you couldn't and ever and it came down to seven
but the list is open to amendment, and in fact, has been changed, uh,
by now, ha, a lot of people pointed things out to me, and I noticed
some myself. The original seven words were, shit, piss, fuck, cunt,
cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. Those are the ones that will
curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and (laughter) maybe, even
bring us, God help us, peace without honor (laughter) um, and a
bourbon. (laughter)
And now the first thing that we noticed was that word fuck was really
repeated in there because the word motherfucker is a compound word and
it's another form of the word fuck. (laughter) You want to be a purist
it doesn't really -- it can't be on the list of basic words. Also,
cocksucker is a compound word and neither half of that is really
dirty. The word -- the half sucker that's merely suggestive (laughter)
and the word cock is a half-way dirty word, 50% dirty -- dirty half
the time, depending on what you mean by it. (laughter) Uh, remember
when you first heard it, like in 6th grade, you used to giggle. And
the cock crowed three times, heh (laughter) the cock -- three times.
It's in the Bible, cock in the Bible. (laughter) And the first time
you heard about a cock-fight, remember -- What? Huh? naw. It ain't
that, are you stupid? man. (laughter, clapping) It's chickens, you
know, (laughter)
Then you have the four letter words from the old Anglo-Saxon fame.
Uh, shit and fuck. The word shit, uh, is an interesting kind of word
in that the middle class has never really accepted it and approved it.
They use it like, crazy but it's not really okay. It's still a rude,
dirty, old kind of gushy word. (laughter) They don't like that, but
they say it, like, they say it like, a lady now in a middle-class
home, you'll hear most of the time she says it as an expletive, you
know, it's out of her mouth before she knows. She says, Oh shit oh
shit, (laughter) oh shit. If she drops something, Oh, the shit hurt
the broccoli. Shit. Thank you. (footsteps fading away) (papers
ruffling)
Read it! (from audience)
Shit! (laughter) I won the Grammy, man, for the comedy album. Isn't
that groovy? (clapping, whistling) (murmur) That's true. Thank you.
Thank you man. Yeah. (murmur) (continuous clapping) Thank you man.
Thank you. Thank you very much, man. Thank, no, (end of continuous
clapping) for that and for the Grammy, man, [']cause (laughter) that's
based on people liking it man, yeh, that's ah, that's okay man.
(laughter) Let's let that go, man. I got my Grammy. I can let my hair
hang down now, shit. (laughter)
Ha! So! Now the word shit is okay for the man. At work you can say it
like crazy. Mostly figuratively, Get that shit out of here, will ya? I
don't want to see that shit anymore. I can't cut that shit, buddy.
I've had that shit up to here. I think you're full of shit myself.
(laughter) He don't know shit from Shinola. (laughter) you know that?
(laughter) Always wondered how the Shinola people feel about that
(laughter) Hi, I'm the new man from Shinola. (laughter) Hi, how are
ya? Nice to see ya. (laughter) How are ya? (laughter)
Boy, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch. (laughter) Guess,
I'll shit on my watch. (laughter) Oh, the shit is going to hit de fan.
(laughter) Built like a brick shit-house. (laughter) Up, he's up
shit's creek. (laughter) He's had it. (laughter) He hit me, I'm sorry.
(laughter) Hot shit, holy shit, tough shit, eat shit, (laughter)
shit-eating grin. Uh, whoever thought of that was ill. (murmur
laughter) He had a shit-eating grin! He had a what? (laughter) Shit on
a stick. (laughter) Shit in a handbag. I always like that. He ain't
worth shit in a handbag. (laughter) Shitty. He acted real shitty.
(laughter) You know what I mean? (laughter) I got the money back, but
a real shitty attitude. Heh, he had a shit-fit. (laughter) Wow!
Shit-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn't there. (murmur, laughter).
All the animals -- Bull shit, horse shit, cow shit, rat shit, bat
shit. (laughter) First time I heard bat shit, I really came apart. A
guy in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. Aw! Bat shit. (laughter) Vera
reminded me of that last night, ah (murmur). Snake shit, slicker than
owl shit. (laughter) Get your shit together. Shit or get off the pot.
(laughter) I got a shit- load full of them. (laughter) I got a
shit-pot full, all right. Shit-head, shit-heel, shit in your heart,
shit for brains, (laughter) shit-face, heh (laughter) I always try to
think how that could have originated; the first guy that said that.
Somebody got drunk and fell in some shit, you know. (laughter) Hey,
I'm shit-face. (laughter) Shitface, today. (laughter)
Anyway, enough of that shit. (laughter) The big one, the word fuck
that's the one that hangs them up the most. [']Cause in a lot of cases
that's the very act that hangs them up the most. So, it's natural that
the word would, uh, have the same effect. It's a great word, fuck,
nice word, easy word, cute word, kind of. Easy word to say. One
syllable, short u. (laughter) Fuck. (Murmur) You know, it's easy.
Starts with a nice soft sound fuh ends with a kuh. Right? (laughter) A
little something for everyone. Fuck (laughter) Good word. Kind of a
proud word, too. Who are you? I am FUCK. (laughter) FUCK OF THE
MOUNTAIN. (laughter) Tune in again next week to FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN.
(laughter) It's an interesting word too, [']cause it's got a double
kind of a life -- personality -- dual, you know, whatever the right
phrase is.
It leads a double life, the word fuck. First of all, it means,
sometimes, most of the time, fuck. What does it mean? It means to make
love. Right? We're going to make love, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh,
we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to make love. (laughter) we're
really going to fuck, yeah, we're going to make love. Right? And it
also means the beginning of life, it's the act that begins life, so
there's the word hanging around with words like love, and life, and
yet on the other hand, it's also a word that we really use to hurt
each other with, man. It's a heavy. It's one that you have toward the
end of the argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You finally can't
make out. Oh, fuck you man. I said, fuck you. (laughter, murmur)
Stupid fuck. (laughter) Fuck you and everybody that looks like you.
(laughter) man.
It would be nice to change the movies that we already have and
substitute the word fuck for the word kill, wherever we could, and
some of those movie cliches would change a little bit. Madfuckers
still on the loose. Stop me before I fuck again. Fuck the ump, fuck
the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump. Easy on the clutch
Bill, you'll fuck that engine again. (laughter)
The other shit one was, I don't give a shit. Like it's worth
something, you know? (laughter) I don't give a shit. Hey, well, I
don't take no shit, (laughter) you know what I mean? You know why I
don't take no shit? (laughter) ) [']Cause I don't give a shit.
(laughter) If I give a shit, I would have to pack shit. (laughter) But
I don't pack no shit cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) You
wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter) That's a joke when you're a
kid with a worm looking out the bird's ass. You wouldn't shit me,
would you? (laughter) It's an eight- year-old joke but a good one.
(laughter)
The additions to the list. I found three more words that had to be
put on the list of words you could never say on television, and they
were fart, turd and twat, those three. (laughter) Fart, we
talked about, it's harmless It's like tits, it's a cutie word, no
problem. Turd, you can't say but who wants to, you know? (laughter)
The subject never comes up on the panel so I'm not worried about that
one. Now the word twat is an interesting word. Twat! Yeh, right in the
twat. (laughter) Twat is an interesting word because it's the only one
I know of, the only slang word applying to the, a part of the sexual
anatomy that doesn't have another meaning to it. Like, ah, snatch, box
and pussy all have other meanings, man. Even in a Walt Disney movie,
you can say, We're going to snatch that pussy and put him in a box and
bring him on the airplane. (murmur, laughter) Everybody loves it. The
twat stands alone, man, as it should.
And two-way words. Ah, ass is okay providing you're riding
into town on a religious feast day. (laughter) You can't say, up your
ass. (laughter) You can say, stuff it! (murmur) There are certain
things you can say its weird but you can just come so close. Before I
cut, I, uh, want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man,
fellow, uh space travelers. Thank you man for tonight and thank you
also. (clapping whistling).
The YouTube clips The 7 Dirty Words: Then
and Now, produced after Carlin's death; George
Carlin at Carnegie Hall; and An Incomplete List of
Polite Words; and Dirty Words will
let you see Carlin in action at various stages of his career, and listen
to how he presented the words in his comedy routines.