The Concerned Computists' Guide to New Viruses (ca 1991)
- GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:
Nothing works, but your diagnostic software says
everything's okay.
- FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:
Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units,
each of which do practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of the computer.
- PAUL REVERE VIRUS:
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns
you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice
if by C:.
- POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself
as an "electronic microorganism".
- RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS:
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it
is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to
first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
- OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then
slowly expands back to 200MB.
- AT&T VIRUS:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you
are getting.
- THE MCI VIRUS:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too
much for the AT&T virus.
- ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGGER VIRUS:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
- DAN QUAYLE VIRUS:
Prevents your system from spawning and child processing
without joining into a binary network.
- DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2:
Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant
figyour out watt!
- GALLUP VIRUS:
Sixy percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of
their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5
percent margin of error).
- TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
- ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
- CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a
message appearing on each half blaming the other side for
the problem.
- AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
- FREUDIAN VIRUS:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.
- PBS VIRUS:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
- ELVIS VIRUS:
Your computer gets fat, slow & lazy, then self-destructs;
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
across rural America.
- OLLIE NORTH VIRUS:
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
- NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
- JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
- DR. KEVORKIAN VIRUS:
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
- STAR TREK VIRUS:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone
before.
- LAPD VIRUS:
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your
PC and erases them in "self defense".
- CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS:
Your PC often makes mistakes and is always last in the
reviews, but you still love it.
Complete Guide to The Parallel Interface
(for the Computer Literate) (Top)
Select your desired CPU and initiate your standard word processing
program to determine compatibility of this CPU for interface. (Hint: once
CPU compatibility is established, you may wish to determine a password
which will initiate immediate interface session sign-on. This avoids
needless future repetition of the word processing program).
-
Locate your CPU in a warm, comfortable location away from drafts, dust,
and unnecessary acoustical interference. Place your CPU on a worksurface
with sufficient support, preferably at an ergonomically proper work
height. It is recommended that any surface on which you place your CPU be
covered with a static mat, or, if you position your CPU on the floor, that
the surface be protected by a carpet with a static rating of 1.5KV or
less.
- Remove any software or peripherals from your mainframe and
that of your CPU (or at least remove software from the
lowercase mainframe) to expose the input/output devices.
You should fully monitor your CPU, preview its hardware
and locate input ports.
- Decide upon the position in which your program session
will be executed: horizontal format or vertical format.
(Note: for horizontal format, determine which CPU will be
in the override position). At this time, it is helpful for
both CPUs to wrap tabs around the other to better
accommodate interlink.
- Center the output CPU mouse between the tabs surrounding
the parallel port of the input CPU and merge.
- Repeatedly toggle your mouse between back-up and return.
It is advised to monitor your CPU display for any signs of
glare. It is also advised to maintain your baud rate at a
reasonable level to prevent breaks. If all hardware
systems continue to function properly, you will soon
achieve macro, at which time input of data will occur.
- Once data transmission is complete, remove your mouse and
log out of the interface session. You will now begin the
recover phase.
Remember: There's no on-line HELP function, so easy DOS it!
GLOSSARY OF TERMS COMMONLY USED IN INTERFACE
(Top)
- ABORT: deletion of copies created through parallel interface
- BACK-UP: reverse line feed, removal of the mouse from the
parallel port (also called REMOVE, BACKSPACE)
- BAUD RATE: speed at which parallel interface occurs
- BITS: discrete particles of data (HINT: It is advised to
keep a static wipe handy to mop up any bits which
might escape onto the worksurface during parallel
interface).
- BREAK: an emergency interface session termination caused by
failure of hardware components
- COMMANDS: word processing program blocks used by the CPU in
control
- CONTROL: whichever CPU is initiating signon session (See RULER)
- COPY: a duplicate CPU which can be created through interface
- CPU: Copulation Participatory Unit
- CURSOR: a word processing program executed by incompatible
CPUs; also commonly heard if BREAK or ESCAPE sequence
is initiated during interface
- DATA: transmissible particles of copy text
- DISPLAY: portion of the uppercase mainframe where the monitors
and the word processing output device are stored
- DOUBLE DENSITY:
multiple interlinks during a single sign-on session
- DOUBLE SIDE:
an attribute of interface in which more than one
position is used during interlink
- DUST COVER: another term for software for your mainframe
- ENTER: (See MERGE)
- FLOPPY DISKS:
a common attribute of input CPUs, not advisable to be
commented upon in the word processing program
- FOOTERS: a variation of interface in which certain lowercase
mainframe tabs are deployed (cf. ADVANCED FEATURES)
- GLARE: a possible attribute of the input CPU display if
interlink is not acceptable
- HARD DISK: a anomalous condition of the floppy disks; suggest
scheduling a maintenance/repair call
- HARD DRIVE:
an emergency line feed procedure which can be
initiated if the input CPU does not readily accept
connection with the ouput CPU mouse - NOT RECOMMENDED
OPERATING PROCEDURE (See also RAM)
- HEADERS: a variation of interface in which the output CPU
inserts its mouse into the input CPUs word processing
output device
- HIGH DENSITY:
also known as "highly dense", a common attribute of
the computer literate, as shown by the need for the
creation of this manual
- INPUT: transmission of data from output CPU to input CPU
- INPUT CPU: the CPU (copulation participatory unit) which receives
data from the output CPU
- INTERLINK: the act of connecting compatible CPUs through parallel
interface
- LINE FEED: the action of insertion of the output CPU mouse into
the input CPU parallel port
- LOG OUT: removal of the mouse upon termination of the interface
session
- LOWERCASE: area of the mainframe where the mouse and mouse pad
are stored on the output CPU, and the parallel port is
stored on the input CPU
- MACRO: the phase of interlink during which CPUs achieve
maximum sensory overload; also when output CPUs input
data to input CPUs
- MAINFRAME: the hardware system of the CPU
- MERGE: initiating interlink
- MODEM: a slang term, short for "more of them", signifying the
desire of a CPU to initiate a signon interface session
or to create a double density interface session
- MONOCHROME MONITOR:
attribute given to analyzing your mainframe/hardware
in poor ambient lighting conditions, leading to being
only able to see the mainframe in black and white.
- MOUSE: a slang term for the output CPU's data transmission device
- MOUSE PAD: area of the mainframe on the output CPU where the
mouse is stored
- ON: as in "Turn On", the act of preparing the input CPU
for interlink and data transmission
- OUTPUT CPU: the CPU which transmits data to the input CPU
- OVERRIDE: descriptive term for whichever CPU assumes the
superior position during parallel interface
- PARALLEL INTERFACE: interlink between consenting CPUs
- PARALLEL PORT: area of the mainframe on the input CPU into which
the mouse of the output CPU is inserted during
parallel interface
- PAUSE: a short interval between interlinks in double density
signon sessions
- PC Jrs: Slang term for CPU copies which can be created through
parallel interface if preventive precautions are not
taken (See Surge Protector)
- PC PROGRAM:
a Personal Copulation Program developed by a CPU,
usually involving a complex series of interface
program variations (NOTE: requires EXTENDED MEMORY)
- PERIPHERALS:
like software, additional coverings of the mainframe,
commonly connected to auditory input devices or other
tabs. (Examples: earrings, watch, necklace, etc.)
- RAM: an emergency line feed procedure which can be
initiated if the input CPU does not readily accept
interlink with the ouput CPU mouse - NOT RECOMMENDED
OPERATING PROCEDURE (See also HARD DRIVE)
- RECOVER: interval between initiation of new interface signon
sessions
- RETURN: replacement of the output CPU mouse into the input CPU
parallel port after BACK-UP is executed (See BACK-UP)
- ROM: (acronym for "Really Orgasmic, Man!"), describes the
sensory condition during the MACRO phase of parallel
interface during which the output CPU transmits data
to the input CPU
- RULER: the CPU initiating interface signon
- SELECT: the process of determining the compatibility of CPU
operating programs
- SERIAL INTERFACE:
interface between more than two CPUs during a signon
session (SEE ADVANCED FEATURES)
- SHIFT: attribute of double sided interlink when the position
of one of the CPUs is edited
- SIGNON SESSION:
the interval during which parallel interface occurs
- SINGLE DENSITY:
only one interlink during a signon session
- SINGLE SIDE:
attribute of interface in which only one interlink
position is employed
- SOFTWARE: protective covering for your mainframe (see also
DUSTCOVERS and PERIPHERALS)
- SURGE: flow of current into the mouse of the output CPU,
preparing the mouse for insertion into the input CPUs
parallel port
- SURGE PROTECTOR:
a protective covering for the output CPU's mouse.
Note: especially desirable to prevent viruses from
infiltrating CPU operating systems and for cancelling
the Copy program. (See PC Jrs).
- TABS: protrusions of the mainframe allowing mobility and/or
sensory input, excluding the floppy disks and mouse.
(Examples: arms, legs, hands, feet)
- TERMINATE: ending an interface session
- UPPERCASE: portion of the mainframe where the display is located,
also where input CPU floppy disks are stored
- VIRUS: a defective program transmitted through parallel
interface
- WORD PROCESSING:
a program initiated by either CPU to determine
compatibility, also used to issue commands during
interface
- WRAP: placing mainframe tabs around your CPU to better
effect interlink
This was Written by a Computer (by Dave Barry)
(Top)
If you've been watching television, you know that it is now possible
for you to buy a personal home computer and expand your horizons and
increase your productivity for little more than it would cost you to get
really drunk at a nice bar. It has gotten to the point where computers
are being sold openly at K-Marts. The shoppers wander through the computer
section with their shopping carts full of K-Mart style merchandise such as
6 pound cans of Raisinets, and they say things like, "I like the Texas
Instruments software but the Commodore has more memory."
These are not high-powered business executives talking this way; these
are people who would have no use whatsoever for briefcases, except maybe
to keep jumper cables in.
And if THEY know about computers you'd better too.
You're in luck, because I happen to know all about computers. In fact,
I'm using one to write this article. This is called "wordprocessing," and
it's terrific, because you can actually program the computer to write for
you. As a demonstration, I'm going to program this computer to write
several informative paragraphs about computers while I go out and get a
beer. Ready? Here I go! See you in a couple hundred words!
Denise stretched her slim, tanned, shapely legs and darted a sidelong
glance at Roger from underneath her sultry lashes. She had never realized
before how much she wanted him. Was it the horse ride before dinner? No
matter. She had to have him. Now.
Roger eyed her intently, gulping the rest of his drink, She had never
before realized how large his thumbs were. She blurted it out. "Have you
ever wanted a woman since Marcia fell into the turbine?"
Without a word, he put down his glass, and reached for her central
processing unit, or CPU, which works with peripheral devices described in
the preceding paragraphs to make up what we refer to as a "computer."
OK! I'm back! Isn't that the neatest thing? I've been getting lots
more articles published since I started using this word-processing
program. Now that you've seen some of the practical benefits of computers,
lets take a look at how they work.
The first computers, built in the 1940's were huge, primitive machines
made from vacuum tubes and animal bones daubed with mud. Nevertheless,
they were a tremendous technological achievement, because they could do
thousands of calculations in a second. The only drawback was that they
got almost all of the answers wrong, so the only major customer for them
was the government.
Gradually, computers got better and better and smaller and smaller, so
that now calculations that formerly required thousands of transistors,
resistors and diodes, enough to fill an entire room, can be performed by
an electronic microchip no larger than a zit. In one second, one of these
microchips can answer a mathematical question so complex that it would
take five million really wimpy chess-playing "Scientific American"
subscribers 1,000 years to answer it if they weren't allowed to go to the
bathroom.
And how is this possible? How can a device that fits easily into an
unattractive wristwatch answer incredibly difficult questions in less time
than it takes to ask them?
The answer is that it guesses. Computers have been guessing the
answers ever since an incident at a government research facility back in
1957. What happened was this:
A group of scientists working on the Atlas Missile program gave a
computer this command: "Allowing for the earth's rotation, the booster
thrust, the wind velocity and about three million other factors we have
been feeding into your memory over the past three years, give us the exact
coordinates for aiming a missile so that it will land on Moscow." Then
they all went out for coffee.
Now what you have to understand about computers is that they are very
logical. They never do anything without a good reason. So this computer
that was supposed to figure out how to land the missile on Moscow was
sitting there, all alone, when a very logical thought occurred to it.
"Wait a minute," it said to itself in binary code. "Why should I knock
myself out to solve this very difficult problem when these bozos have no
way of judging whether my answer is right? It would be like painting the
Mona Lisa and presenting it to a bucket of eels."
So the computer spent the rest of the afternoon amusing itself by
figuring out how to end the nuclear arms race, travel through time and
build a device that could heat all the homes in Fargo N.D. for less than
12 cents a year. When the scientists came back, the computer handed them
an elaborate set of numbers it had generated with its random number
generator, and the scientists were happy as clams.
After they'd left, the computer told the Xerox machine that the
coordinates it had given the scientists would bring the missile down smack
dab on Hoy, the second largest of the Orkney Islands, and they both
laughed heartily, although the Xerox machine didn't really get the joke on
account of it didn't have enough memory.
Memory is the big thing with computers. You want your computer to have
lots and lots of memory because otherwise it'll constantly forget what you
tell it. This was a big problem with the computer used in the first trip
to the moon. The astronauts would spend hours at the console trying to get
it to give them useful information:
ASTRONAUTS: How far are we from the moon?
COMPUTER: The what?
So there you have it, a fact-filled look at the world of computing. I'll
just go over and turn the printer on so I can run this off.
"Oh yes, Roger," moaned Denise. "Yes! Yes! YES! I love it when you
input data to the print buffer in hexadecimal format."